one last time. i promise.
one more beer, one more cigarette, one more joint. the lies we tell ourselves, i tell myself. to what end? to what purpose? one more night i cannot fall asleep. because of four years, FOUR YEARS!!! falling to sleep alone, crawling out of bed alone. there has been the scent of some other body, of some other soul, in my nostrils in the morning. never enough, it's never enough.
is it time to draw the balance? NO, NO, NO, a hundred times NO!!! no more balance sheets, no more melancholy, nostalgia, depression, desperation. i've lived my life and i've made my mistakes. and there's a great chance that many will follow; countless times i will ask mysels "could i've done better, could i've taken more out of this?" yeah, probably. but it doesn't matter. what is done is done, what will follow will follow. no, i don't believe in fate and karma. i know that my history is my own doing. that's the most painful thing to endure, the responsibility.
i type, i think, i smile, i i i i i. isn't it strange how much an i and a 1 look like each other.
one last time, i promise.
and then i remember that life goes on. that all those friends, all those bodies, smiles and tears go on. regardless of a "me," regardless of an "i." no, no fear. just my stupid half-smile, my headphones and the keyboard. what is my life?
one last time. i never say goodbye because it's terrifying but tonight i say goodbye. to the blog, to a life. for all those who played their parts - thank you and i love you and i hate you with all my heart. to all those who played their role - i wish we had more time.
all that is left is to count down the days. 10,9,8... no, no death. worse: life. i wish i was someone else. i wish i liked that face of mine more, that choices of mine more. but wishing is never enough. nothing is ever enough. nothing fills a bottomless hole.
one last time, i promise.
thanks you.
i love you.
i hate you.
the last time.
